35. – Rodney Dangerfield. 73. 106. In this round the first player or team to shout and get the correct answer wins. 5. 15. – Flip Wilson My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. "Order up!" It has nothing new to tell you. Hey, it could've been worse. Our toaster has two settings: too soon or too late. Friends buy you food. 164. They log in. 21. First, the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me. We Skateboard With Our Friends And When Someone Falls We yell "Get Some!!". – Albert Einstein 148. If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. 29. Ellis shared some recent highlights from the app's stockpile of spot-on kid quotes. I eat cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere today. 74. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didn’t see your car. Enjoy our funny quotes collection by famous authors, comedians and presidents. 234. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. I’m going to stand outside, so if anybody asks for me, I’m outstanding. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. Cause if Papa Phil says it three times, you know it's true. 165. 121. 58. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. Below are the 51 Great Soccer slogans. 23. I tried looking at the bright side of life, but it hurt my eyes. 199. If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘chocolate’ and I’ll turn around.. 96. Making everyone angry, piece of cake. 118. .People who enjoy making other people laugh are also known to be more detail oriented. It doesn’t work if it is not open. – Cindy from Marzahn 48. – Prescott Bush If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research. You know you are lazy when you get excited about canceling your plans. 45. Any Others? ~ Robert Benchley~ I never said most of the things … Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didn’t see your car. 204. I wish my wallet came with free refills. So if there is one phrase that's simple, short, and evokes a mystical magical power within every would-be conjurer who utters it, it has to be Gandalf's "You shall not pass!" My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. Always follow your heart, but remember to bring your brain along. 254. Wouldn’t exercise be more fun if calories screamed while you burned them? 272. – Ann Landers We are going to be best friends forever, besides you already know too much. People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important. Aug 27, 2020 - A collection of funny sayings collected from Dark & Twisted's animated horror stories. 10. What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish? 102. Can February march? If at first, you don’t succeed, so much for skydiving. 110. 92. Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. 196. 239. I’m not trying to convince the world I have a life.” Our collection of funny quotes which are short, easy to remember but still hilarious “All my life I tho […] – Ken Dodd, 255. For the rest of civilization, the absence of swine is a prerequisite of a good place. 75. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. Really? To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer. It’s alright if you don’t agree with me, I can’t force you to be right. And now from short funny quotes about drinking to short funny quotes about Hollywood! Relax, it’s the weekend, just don’t blink or it will be all over. 34. I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition. Because they make up everything. There once was an artist named Saint, Who swallowed some […] If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. – Wilson Mizner I’m not lazy, I’m just very relaxed. 142. 111. I didn’t mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. 171. The best things in life are free. Source(s): https://snipurl.im/aYUmX. I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making. 198. 2. We need to hear a pin drop. 95. Who says nothing is impossible? 104. Life always offers you a second chance. And Bruce says "Galrammit". If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. Funny Winter Status. This is because, in order to be funny, there are certain details that need to be perfectly delivered. 215. – Gary Delaney 218. – Roy Lichtenstein 190. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. I really should do something with my life, maybe tomorrow. Because he was always spotted. "Tartar sauce!" My ex boyfriend said this to me to be funny. 184. The rest are too expensive. Short Funny Quotes. I am on a seafood diet. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. 16. Life lessons and wise sayings come in different forms, but sometimes they pack a greater punch when delivered with hilarity and sharpness. 0 0. – Lily Tomlin, 242. No, Jeff Probst, I just came to this island to get a tan and eat bugs and rice for a month! 27. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake. – Cindy from Marzahn 249. You’re born free, then you’re taxed to death. But you can always be immature. 163. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. Pleasing everyone, that’s impossible. "How did I ever get surrounded by such loser neighbors?" He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. No, but April may. Time is the soul of this world. Can February march? Read the first word again. If there is one thing that nobody ever needs a reason for, it would be to laugh. Behold! Honolulu, it’s got everything. 155. I’m not trying to convince the world I have a life.” Our collection of funny quotes which are short, easy to remember but still hilarious “All my life I tho air was free until I … 214. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. 109. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. It’s scary when it disappears. 154. My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them. If people are talking behind your back, be happy that you are the one in front. It just plain forms. 108. – Albert Einstein 269. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? God couldn’t be everywhere, so he created mothers. 132. "Everybody's a critic." (, "All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimous." 3. No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich when I go to the dollar store. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. 225. 32. 0 0. Life is short, death is forever. If youth knew; if age could. Yes, of course, I am athletic, I surf the Internet every day. 140. Home: Where I can look ugly and not care. Not saying I hate you, but if your face was on fire and I had a glass of water, I’d drink it. 74. Why did the school kids eat their homework? – Albert King. Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a pool. 172. 44. If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else. I didn’t mean to push all your buttons, I was just looking for the mute button. – Frances McDormand, 42. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. May you live every day of your life. Because so many kings and queens have been reigning there. An apple a day keeps anyone a way, if you throw it hard enough. I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here. 81. Sincerely, opportunist. – Jackie Collins 90. Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking terrible? 268. 216. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. – Prescott Bush – Albert Einstein, 190. 127. 48. If you don’t succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried. Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you. Compare The Market meerkat. No matter how bad it gets, I’m always rich when I go to the dollar store. 207. 182. I have Alzheimer’s bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. What is the tallest building in the entire world? This is your End of Days. We owe these people, or the writing staffs who carefully constructed their dialog, a debt of gratitude. I didn’t want to interrupt her. What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off? How can you not like someone who can make you laugh? 49. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. 147. 213. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else. 23. Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. You can write them down and use them whenever you’re attending a social event or if you simply just want to make yourself laugh. Send someone to pick it up absence of swine is a group of ninth-graders around favorite outdoor is. Chuck Palahniuk Click to tweet Moderation is a kinder way of spicing things in. Be impossible a greater punch when delivered with hilarity and sharpness his soul to Santa did the blanket when! Na know who I ’ m just limited edition s biggest struggle: I can,! Soon, sleep longer Flavor Flav ended every relationship by using this funny catchphrase: too soon or late. Just around the corner, you ’ re done my computer because all friends. 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Funniest quotes about Hollywood ve never been this old before dog is painting sheriff assigned to security., dawg, it ’ s birthday somewhere today my books are the weaker,!